My Big Boy

There is a small part of me that has been in denial that Joey is growing up. I still see him as a little guy. Partly due to his size, partly because he is my only boy.

Today Joey had a dentist appointment to have sealants put on and to have a small cavity filled. He was so incredibly brave. He went into the room all by himself without a single look back. There were no tears.

After he was done I took him to school and the office worker gave him a tardy slip to bring to his teacher. I stood there, holding Peyton's tiny hand, and watched Joey walk down the hallway all by himself and in that one moment I realized that while he is little and still a boy, he is no longer a little boy.

I Confess......

That I haven't brushed my hair since Sunday because I can't find a hairbrush. We own 3, but I can't even find 1.

I tend to hide myself away from everything. I am not the most social person and it has gotten a lot worse since staying at home. I get upset when people just drop by and want to talk. Not everybody, just certain people.

If I didn't have to watch the same episode constantly, I might actually enjoy watching Strawberry Shortcake with Peyton.

I miss my husband. A lot. His work schedule is crazy and it seems there is just no "us time" out there. When he is off from his third shift job, he is dozing on the couch. We haven't had a real conversation in weeks.

I am lonely.

Bah Humbug

Christmas Spirit is fading fast. It was in full swing a month ago. At this point I realize that when we get and put up our tree there will be less than 2 weeks until Christmas. Why bother?

I'm considering buying the cheapest table top tree ever instead.

Then I realize that my Scrooge mentality is going to ruin the kids Christmas. I just can't see spending money on a fake tree to have it up for less than 2 weeks. I can't see spending less money on a cheap tree when I won't want to use it next year. Neither one of us wants to deal with the hassle of a live tree and all its needles in our carpet. There doesn't seem to be much compromise in this issue and it is really bumming me out.

I think we are just going to end up spending a fortune on a tree to just have up for 2 weeks. There really isn't any other way around it. Christmas isn't really Christmas without a tree.

My Christmas Spirit was at the highest it has been in a long time just a month ago. The closer we get to Christmas and the more I realize nothing is going the way I was hoping, the more Scrooge-like I get.

I need to snap out of it. Christmas is not about me and my plans. The kids don't care how long the tree is up for, just that it is up. They don't care that not everything can go as planned, just that it goes at all.

Part of this funk is this lingering low grade fever/sinus issues I have been dealing with. They are wiping me out. I don't feel like me right now. I feel like a whiny, sick, exhausted version of me. One with high expectations and zero motivation. Things that don't work together at all.

My Weekend In Review

New York was great, crazy fun.

After I got completely lost, called a "rich white bitch" from a homeless lady who was angered that I didn't put money in her cup and couldn't find my group. After all that I had the time of my life. I found my friends and even though I hadn't met most of them in person, it felt like I had known them forever. We shopped, we talked, we laughed, we walked and walked.

We went to the Met and saw amazing art. It was exquisite.

We went to the Russian Vodka Room. After that, the night turned into a funny blur full of laughs, hugs and lots of drinks. Martinis, shots and then we went to a Mexican restaurant and made nice with beer and Patron. We got home late (early?) and crashed around 2. We got up at 6 and I took the 8:07 train back to New Haven and I got off the train, walked into the station and saw most of my family (Krystal was at my Mom's) I hugged all of them happily and crashed in bed the minute we got home.

It was a long, much needed trip for myself, by myself. I feel different now. I spent time with AMAZING friends. Funny, strong, intelligent, beautiful friends. I've never felt like I belonged with friends before. Not the way these women have made me feel like I belong.

Today, my legs ache, I miss them all a little, but I still feel amazing from the time I had. I hope we can do it again sometime.

Mom Time Tomorrow!

I am happy. I am sad. I am going to New York overnight tomorrow!

How can one be sad while in New York? Child free? Drinking alcoholic beverages while among good friends? Easy enough when you have never been away from your baby overnight. I have never been away from Peyton for more than 8 hours and even those 8 hours were torture. She will be home with her Daddy though, and I know he will do a good job with all the kids.

The excitement is starting to ease out the sadness of leaving the kids though. Now the anxiety is kicking in a little. I am a wee bit nervous about getting from Grand Central Station to the hotel 2 miles away by myself. Am I ready for New York? Is New York ready for me? Can I find my way there without having a nervous breakdown?

Remembering Why I Stay At Home

Today I worked, in preparation for my working the Saturday and Sunday after Thanksgiving. Just to brush up on my register skills and fill out my re-hire paperwork.

I remember why I don't work. I am a spaz. I am completely incapable of getting 2 kids ready for school, 1 ready to go to my friend's house and myself as well. I left the house with my hair wet, and my black work pants shrunk since February when I wore them last (darn random shrinking) I had to dig fat people stretch pants out of my dresser.

I missed my baby. I went on and on to my co-workers and random customers about how much I love being home with Peyton and how amazing she is and how I wish I had had this opportunity with Krystal and Joey and how much I enjoy being the one to get them off the bus everyday and see their smiling faces when they step off the bus and see me.

Peyton missed me. She loves her Auntie Michelle, but she is very stuck to Mommy and Daddy (especially Daddy)

It will all be worth it when Todd gets his new CD player and antenna for his car so that he can listen to the radio and not worry about his CDs getting eaten. Work is just not for me right now, it is more important for me to be here.

Date Night!!

For the first time in longer than I can remember, Todd and I will be going out to dinner tomorrow night, and I am thrilled. It feels like things have been getting away from us lately since he works/commutes about 20 hours a day most days.

Our relationship has not been easy, especially this past year. Financial struggles have caused stress, which has put a crack between us. Financially we had been unable to go anywhere together. Then once we got back on our feet some, it was a huge scheduling conflict.

I am determined to make our 14 year relationship not only stay together, but thrive.

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
-Leo Tolstoy

Childhood Dreams

What did you want to be when you grew up? Or more likely how many dreams did you have. I wanted to be a veterinarian, a teacher, a ballerina, a ballet teacher, a singer, an actress and a Mom.

Only one of those dreams came true, but in my opinion it was the best of the bunch. Any of those dreams would have brought me joy, money and personal pride and satisfaction in a job well done. I believe that none of those would bring me the same joy that being a Mom has brought me. None of the day to day struggles and none of the immense pride I feel when I look at my kids and realize that I am doing a good job. A great job even.

It isn't easy, it never will be easy and my payoff won't come until my children are grown up and on their own and at that time I can look at my children and see what amazing children I raised and then see my dream has been fulfilled.

Can't Handle Power Loss

I managed to make it through the 24 hours of no power during Hurricane Irene okay. My Dad and Stepmom still had power, so I went there. This freak snow storm rendered more people without power than the hurricane. Our power went out around 2 pm Saturday and returned around midnight Monday going into Tuesday. It was a cold, rough few days.

First, Todd was gone for most of it. Second, it was cold. Bitterly cold. Third, we were not prepared for this storm like we were for Irene so we were not stocked up on tons of non-perishable food and it was actually a hungry few days. We had some Pop Tarts and snacks, so it was okay, but not anywhere near what I wanted to have on hand.

Second, Halloween came without power. Where we take the kids every year still had power, so we went to there. Trying to get the kids ready without power was a challenge and somewhere in the middle of Trick or Treating I realized that I had no way to remove the pounds of Vampire makeup slathered on Krystal's face. We stopped at Denny's for some hot dinner after trick or treating and then Walmart to purchase more candles, hand warmers and another warm blanket. I really didn't want to go home. The anxiety was overwhelming. Home was dirty (thanks to Peyton crushing a whole box of goldfish into the carpet and dishes I couldn't wash coming out of the sink) and freezing and dark.

Also, Peyton was sick. She was coughing so badly she couldn't sleep and kept waking herself up crying. I had her in a onesie, leg warmers and 2 pairs of footie pajamas. Still I felt it wasn't enough. She was also in bed with Todd and me Halloween night. Just before the power came back on, Krystal burst in our bedroom to tell us she had thrown up all through the hallway. After cleaning up the best he could by flashlight Todd came back to bed. Shortly later the power returned and Todd turned the bedroom heat on (it was glorious once it kicked in) then Krystal wakes us up AGAIN.......now her ceiling is flooding. Water is pouring out everywhere. Todd throws some bins under the leaks and finishes cleaning up Krystal's throw up while Peyton and I go back to sleep.

Once everything was better under control and I could clean up the mess that was making my skin crawl, I felt better. Of course there was no school for the rest of the week. Cable/internet wasn't restored until the end of the week and the kids were tired of all of it.

That was one week I was glad to see end.